Rejected Humor

I thought these were funny, and now you have to, too.

October 23, 2023

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Other writing:

Soundly Rejected

They can’t all be winners. So instead of writing anything new this week, I wanted to mention that I’m taking a short humor writing workshop and so far it’s been great. I do better with deadlines and assignments, but I also forgot how much I missed workshopping ideas with my peers. To celebrate what hopefully will be a newfound success in short-form humor writing, I wanted to share three pieces that are all really funny but got rejected anyway. They deserve a life.

Workshopping is an extremely important step for writing—especially for humor. It’s hard to know what someone else might find funny, until, you know, they read the thing you wrote and tell you. Looking over these three pieces, two things are clear: they needed more time and work than I was willing to give them. While all three have great jokes, the only one I truly love is the sequel pitch letter for the 1997 indie drama Ulee’s Gold. If you’ve seen Ulee’s Gold, this document is pitch-perfect. If you haven’t (like 95% of people in the world), then why would any of it be funny? Comedy works well with specificity, but you also need to thread the needle of relatability. The other two pieces were a conscious attempt to go broad, and it’s clear I’m out of my depth on those. They’re a little shaky, the voice is inconsistent, and it’s clear they’re rushed.

They’re still objectively funny pieces—I’ve included the rejection response for each of them saying so—but that doesn’t mean they work for a general audience. Lucky for me, you’re not a general audience. You’re reading my newsletter.

Five Sequel Options for The 1997 Indie Classic Ulee's Gold For Consideration On Its 25th Anniversary

Dear Sir: 

As you know, as head of a major Hollywood production company, it is the 25th anniversary of the 1997 indie film Ulee’s Gold, a movie that earned great critical acclaim for the performance of its lead, Peter Fonda. Now I may not be a successful screenwriter, yet, but I have great ideas that I think could make your company a lot of money. First of all, I understand now that movies are generated around existing I.P. and original ideas no longer pass muster. I know you are impressed by my knowing such an industry-focused term like I.P., which I learned from my father who is an intellectual property lawyer, whom I believe can help us secure the rights to the characters of Ulee’s Gold from director and writer Victor Nuñez. I am not naïve. I have seen what has happened with the Marvelverse and Star Wars and now the Game Of Thrones stuff and Lord Of The Rings and so I put it to you:

Why not invest in an extended Uleeverse? 

As you are aware, the film stars Peter Fonda as a beekeeper who has to make daring decisions in order to protect his son, who is in prison, and his daughter-in-law, who is coming down from a drug binge. While Peter Fonda has sadly passed on, Patricia Richardson, Tom Wood, and Jessica Biel are all still with us. With that in mind, here are five ideas for sequels, which I know is the first step towards building a Uleeverse.

1. Ulee’s Gold 2: Where’s Ulee?

This one is pretty easy to grasp, and it directly addresses Peter Fonda’s death by having the plot of the movie centered around trying to find where Ulee is. The cast could go door to door asking neighbors, “Where’s Ulee?” This would be effective because you would be able to understand through their tone that the main cast asking this question does not know where Ulee is, and it is also the title of the movie, which is good synergy. 

2. Ulee’s Gold 2: Ulee’s Revenge

I know it might be a long shot, but I have seen technology do this before. We could use computer-animated graphics to bring the character Ulee back to the screen. In this sequel, Ulee has healed from the stab wounds he received from Eddie, but he has not healed emotionally. While the original movie is about Ulee using love and compassion to solve problems, this sequel shows just how badass a beekeeper on a mission can be! Or bee, maybe. Anyway, CGI Ulee spends the movie tracking down Eddie and Ferris and then kills them with bees. 

3. Ulee’s Gold 2: The Honey Secret

This could be a drug thing. Ulee’s son, Jimmy, played by Tom Wood, is now out of prison but his marriage to Helen has become strained and they are separated. It’s only now that he has taken over his father’s honey business that he understands why the tupelo honey was so important: it’s actually a drug. Eddie and Ferris return to try and bully Jimmy into giving him the tupelo harvest, but Helen accidentally licks some off of her finger, and now, whoops, she’s on drugs again and can’t get enough drugs. Jimmy ends up pushing Eddie and Ferris into the honey, which dissolves their bodies, and then Helen goes on a honey binge when Jimmy isn’t looking, so it’s like she ate Eddie and Ferris, and then she is on drugs but the drugs make Eddie and Ferris take over her body. So it’s also like a body snatchers thing. Then Jessica Biel returns as Casey and shoots both her parents.

4. Ulee’s Gold 2: Ulee’s Nuts

In this one, Casey, played by Jessica Biel, has moved to Modesto, California, when she learns her Grandpa, Ulee, had a secret almond farm he never told anyone about. When she moves there, she finds out that Patricia Richardson (I can’t remember her character’s name, it doesn’t matter) has also moved in across the street from that farm as well, so Casey is like “What the heck, I can’t ever live on a farm without you living across the street?” and then Patricia Richardson is like “I know!” and then they spend most of the movie just reliving scenes from Ulee’s Gold so it could actually be kind of like a clip show, which is good, because you wouldn’t have to actually shoot much new footage.

5. Ulee’s Gold 2: The Legend Of Curly’s Gold 

I think you could just re-release the City Slickers sequel with a new title and no one would know the difference. 

A Brief Memo To All Staff Regarding Quiet Quitting And Other Behaviors That Do Not Represent Our Values

TO: All Staff

FROM: Executive Board at Masterson Masterson Benchmark, INC.

RE: Quiet Quitting And Other Behaviors That Do Not Represent Our Values

Good morning. We would like to keep this memo brief. Recently it has come to our attention that the “quiet quitting” trend has taken over at Masterson Masterson Benchmark, INC., and the Executive Board would like to let you know that this behavior and others like it are considered hostile actions towards the company. In order to combat these new WFH (work-from-home) attitudes, the board has compiled a list of other trends we would like to make clear are unacceptable:

1. Mouse Jiggling

We have been informed that some of you have been mouse jiggling in order to appear busier to our screen monitoring software. I assure you, there is not a rodent in the world that likes to be grasped by a person and shaken vigorously in front of a screen, especially if it is part of a ruse to trick an employer. Mice are an industrious group and do not appreciate this type of lallygagging. 

2. Halved Ping-Pong Balls With A Single Permanent Marker Dot Placed Over Eyelids

This is not clever. We know you are not “Large Marge” from the Pee Wee movie. No one’s eyeballs are that big and round.

3. Loud Quitting

Even though most of you are remote right now, we are all aware of how Jerry tendered his resignation, and we’re also all aware of the amount of time the EPA’s emergency response team had to devote to clean up.

4. Ghosting

There is no workplace in which a grown person is able to drape themselves in a white bedsheet, stalking cubicles while moaning eerily, and this behavior is also not tolerated by remote employees. We can see you in the distance, passing by the open door of your home office, taking lurching steps towards the kitchen in order to scare the dog. Knock it off.

5. Reverse Ghosting

Yes, it is true that if you are actually dead, you are not able to perform your normal duties. Please stop submitting falsified death certificates, as dead people also cannot receive a paycheck. 

6. Actual Quitting

This is the least tolerated behavior. At Masterson Masterson Benchmark, INC., it should be clear that your position here is considered a career. That means you need to be grateful that we plan to employ you until retirement, or, in some cases, death. Or, in the case of Ned, both, coincidentally, at the same time, when Jerry committed his act of “loud quitting.” If you are employed by Masterson Masterson Benchmark, INC., know that your resignation will not be tolerated and that you will have to continue employment with the company. 

7. Actual Ghosting

No, if you die during your retirement party because someone decides to “loud quit,” and you find yourself haunting the office as an actual ghost, doomed to patrol the area of the carpet that will now forever be marked as a “biohazard,” there is no special treatment. We expect you to be back at your cubicle logged into your workstation at 8:30 a.m., sharp. 

We hope this memo clarifies some things for our WFH (work-from-home) employees as well as the handful of employees still in the office and also Ned, who, yes, specifically, we want to recognize his duty while inside the four walls of Masterson Masterson Benchmark, INC.

Sincerely, 

Executive Board

Read

At this point, it’s been clear for an entire week that Israel is conducting a genocidal campaign against the Palestinian people in retaliation for Hamas’ brutal attacks. This newsletter is scheduled a little in advance this week, so I’m hoping by the time this goes out a ceasefire has been declared. But I doubt it. I think this piece is a beautifully written expression of grief and bravery, and personal writing like this is what helped me better understand the weight put on people who are trying to stand up for peace.

Watch

Ebert hated it and he’s right: this movie is one of the most horrific displays of disregard for humanity that’s ever been filmed, and at the same time, it’s incredible. Truly Michael Bay puts all his tricks on the table, and by golly, they work. It looks great, the action sequences are incredible, and Will Smith and Martin Lawrence of course are funny. It’s maybe our last grasp at true maximalism before it just became easier to do everything in CGI and movies stopped having these sorts of budgets.

Listen

Heavyweight is maybe one of the best audio shows ever made, and the boneheaded decision to move the show to Spotify exclusive meant I missed entire seasons. Because Spotify doesn’t just suck ass as a company, its user interface is horrific and clunky and frankly is an awful product. But now that it’s back on syndicated RSS feeds, I get to listen again. Anyway, this episode deals directly with confronting your own mortality in a way that made me feel extremely human and terrified and at peace. Go listen, I don’t think I can summarize it better.

Consume

I’m currently on the road out to visit my brand new baby niece in Brooklyn, and these last four nights I’ve eaten the same thing: buffalo chicken Caesar salad. When I stopped in a small town in Ohio, a local restaurant had it on the menu for me to order takeout. When I arrived in the Poconos, the local grocery had buffalo nuggets in the deli case and bagged Caesar salad kits galore. I’m on my fourth night with this as my meal, and I’m excited to eat it again. Maybe I’ll get sick of it one day, who knows. For now, I’m kinda loving it: I’m eating like an extremely divorced man who’s trying to hold onto his dignity, and it feels great. Spiritually, not physically.

Artwork by Ashley Elander Strandquist. You can view her illustration work here and check out her printing business here.